1 2 3 4 5

Pequeño catálogo de cosas inútiles que usted acumula en su cocina

Desde la yogurtera setentera a la prensa para quitar el aceite a las latas de atún o el removedor de hojas de fresa, todo un muestrario de cacharrería razonablemente inútil que acumulamos en casa

esponda tres preguntas: ¿Conserva aún la yogurtera que puso en la lista de bodas hace ya una cantidad indecente de años? ¿se ha cambiado de casa más de dos veces y se la ha llevado en la mudanza? ¿la ha utilizado al menos tres veces en los últimos 30 años (una vez en cada década)? Si a las dos primeras respuestas responde sí y a la tercera no, usted podría ser seleccionado para un estudio científico sobre objetos absurdos que conservamos en una cocina y la personalidad oculta de sus propietarios. Enhorabuena a los premiados porque por participar le obsequiará con un magnífico pelahuevos o con un espectacular juego de moldes de silicona para hacer tacos de hielo con formas geométricas y luces en el interior del taquito cubatero. La constancia siempre tiene recompensa. Usted pertenece a la prestigiosa Generación yogurtera.

El consumo compulsivo de electrodomésticos de pequeño y gran formato o de gadgets para la cocina ha generado una industria quizás no floreciente pero sí muy interesante y divertida. Los comerciales de las marcas husmean con olfato de perdiguero entre las infinitas posibilidades que ofrece una cocina doméstica para endilgarle a usted sin piedad, ávido y desavisado consumidor, productos que por lo general solo sirven para hacer una cosa concreta, una sola función y que por lo general se utiliza una sola vez antes de recluirlo en el cajón de los tiestos olvidados o malditos. Y esa función práctica, la mejor vida que le promete el artefacto, suele ser una función que, también por lo general, puede ser practicada por usted fácilmente sin ayuda de ningún utensilio de plástico, goma, madera, metacrilato o metal. Los ingenieros bucean con ahínco en un paraíso de formas, funcionalidades, utilidades y materiales para que no se resista y algún artista le añade después formas, colores y texturas que lo hacen aparentemente imprescindible a la vez que adorable.

En algunos casos el objeto en cuestión es completamente inútil. Vamos que no sirve para nada. Algunos malfuncionan y otros es que no resuelven nada. Y otros, aun siendo de relativa utilidad, pasan rápidamente a la categoría de trastos y son acumulados por deporte. Son trastos porque descubre rápidamente que en realidad no lo necesitaba, aunque ese rayo de luz racional penetra en su cocina cuando ya ha comprado el tiesto en cuestión. Por ejemplo, ¿realmente necesita un desescamador de pescado muy molón de acero inoxidable, con mango de madera y de considerable tamaño? ¿Cuántas veces come pescado en casa a la semana? ¿Y no se lo limpian en la pescadería, como a todo el mundo? Salvo que sea del género masoquista y le agrade llenar de escamas el fregadero y los muebles contiguos, no necesita para nada el objeto. ¿O quién quiere un cuchillo eléctrico? ¿no tiene un buen cuchillo afilado?

Como tampoco requiere de la ayuda de un penetrador de núcleos de pera para quitarle la raíz y las pepitas a la fruta. Ni una especie de cazo para separar el caldo de la grasa. Y mucho menos necesita en su cocina una prensa de atún: una especie de robot manual con dos brazos y unas prensas de pequeño tamaño para drenar las latas de atún y sacarles hasta la última gota de aceite. Pues así hasta el infinito y mucho más.

Es el mercado. Pero en el mercado no es otro todo lo que reluce, más bien al revés: de cada 30.000 nuevos productos que se lanza al año al mercado, el 95% fracasa. O sea, que solo el 5% sale adelante, según un estudio de Harvard Bussines School. Posiblemente porque muchos inventos se lanzan sin tener en cuenta a los consumidores, porque no responden a una necesidad o porque otro producto similar ya resolvía el mismo problema de forma convincente. Muchas marcas se pueden permitir invertir cantidades relevantes en ese circuito de prueba-error. Y los consumidores formamos parte del juego. Prácticamente nadie escapa del club de los que alguna vez hemos comprado alguna inutilidad y la acumulamos en algún cajón, donde echa raíces así pasen los años. Posiblemente Teletienda fue un gran impulsor de venta de estor productos en los años 90, al margen de ser la gran fuente de provisión de instrumentos de tortura gimnásticos, almohadas, segadoras de tres velocidades, máquinas de afeitar turbo y fundas reversibles para sofás de familias numerosas muy aficionadas a ver la tele. Con el tiempo, los canales de venta digitales han ocupado ese lugar y han convertido en infinita la oferta.

Aquí va, como homenaje a la Generación yogurtera -muy upper-, un muestrario subjetivo y limitado de artefactos. Siéntase libre de quitar o añadir o de considerar de la máxima utilidad engendros y cacharrería que a otros le parecen tiestos inservibles, faltaría más.

-1- Yogurtera. La inventó en los años 70 un señor alemán ya talludito, cerca de los 90, y de nombre Paul Hafner, que vivía en España refugiado de su pasado nazi. El tipo se hizo de oro vendiendo artefactos para hacer yogures y criando cerdos. Se supone que su éxito estaba vinculado al ahorro que representaba fabricar los yogures en casa en vez de ir al supermercado a por ellos. Con un yogur industrial, leche y alguna cosa más, conseguías hasta media docena de yogures caseros. Esa especie de platillo volante lleno de vasitos de cristal alcanzaba hasta 55 grados de temperatura y necesitaba estar funcionando entre ocho y diez horas. Si tenemos en cuenta el precio de la luz, cada yogur sale más caro que una lata de caviar. Un perfecto cadáver setentero. Ahora se observa cierta tendencia vintage con algunos modelos de nueva generación. El yogurtero siempre llama dos veces.

-2- Pinzas para hacer croquetas. Con lo entretenido que es hacer croquetas y lo auténtico que resulta parir dos docenitas irregulares, cada una con sus imperfecciones, sus bollos y la huella dactilar del croquetero impresa en cada obra maestra, alguien ha inventado unas tijeras en cuya punta se acoplan distintos moldes para hacer croquetas y albóndigas. Viene con sus orificios para que entre el aire y la masa no se adhiera. Colores y tamaños a elegir. Solo permite usar la masa justa. La cantidad exacta. No hay fallos. Croquetas en serie. Vaya mérito y vaya ganas de cargarse la tradición croquetera española, que no tiene parangón en el mundo entero,

-3- Molinillo cortador de sandía. Por lo visto la humanidad necesitaba urgentemente cortar los daditos de sandia simétricos, perfectos, sin que se note la mano del hombre. Pues ahí lo tiene: un molinillo de viento de acero inoxidable que le permitirá vacilar con los amigos por el corte perfecto de su sandía. Será la estrella en cualquier reunión playera.

-4- Enrollador de sushi. Usted que cada día le prepara pacientemente a sus hijos su ración de sushi para cuando vuelven hambrientos de la escuela no puede pasar ni un minuto más sin este enrollador de sushi, una herramienta imprescindible. Estéticamente se confunde con los instrumentos de las peluquerías para cogerles los rulos a las señoras. Conviértase en el menor sushiman del barrio. Un invento muy enrollado. ¡ Sayonara ¡

-5- Máquina para hacer dumpling– El dumpling es algo parecido a las empanadillas de toda la vida pero no tiene nada que ver con las de Móstoles de Martes y 13. En la cultura anglosajona en vez de freírse se cuecen en algún líquido, caldo o incluso alguna infusión dulce y se rellenan con lo que tenga a mano. ¿En serio nunca ha hecho empanadillas rematándolas con esmero y marcando el cierre con los dientes de un tenedor?

-6- Abridor de huevos. El instante más emocionante del acto de cascar un huevo es la superación de ese momento interior en el que te examinas a ti mismo tratando de evitar que caiga un trozo de cáscara donde no debe. El segundo momento estelar es cuando cae cáscara y hurgas con el dedo desafiando la viscosidad de la clara, que te impide sacar limpiamente y con rapidez la cáscara rebelde. Es como ir a un parque de atracciones pero sin salir de la cocina, divertidísimo. Pues si no le gusta divertirse ya tiene la solución. Su abridor de huevos: eficiente, higiénico, perfecto y barato.

-7- Mantenedor de bolsas abiertas. La verdad, si tiene dos manos y un poco de paciencia podría evitarse el trastillo este. Que además tiene nombre de empleo para humanos. Igual podría ayudar a combatir el paro contratar gente para que mantenga la bolsa abierta mientras usted echa dentro, es un poner, garbanzos. Es que la cocina es una ciencia muy complicada.

-8- Preparador de tortillas. Si usted no tiene en casa una simple sartén -pequeña, mediana, gigante, mediopensionista, da igual- puede recurrir al célebre preparador de tortillas eléctrico. Es como si un platillo volante hubiera aterrizado en su cocina. Un tiesto premium con todas las de la ley. Debe gastar un montón de electricidad, debe ser una lata limpiarlo y para colmo no se puede lanzar la tortilla al aire para darle la vuelta como no sea que lance el cacharro entero. Imprescindible, oiga.

-9- La fondue. Otro invento setentero. Es dudoso que usted, confiéselo, que tiene una en el trastero acumulando polvo y con sus pinchos intactos, la haya usado más de una vez. Solo por no limpiarla tras el paso del queso fundido daría dinero.

-10- Remojador de galleta. Este es realmente grande. Fruto de una cabeza genial. Si quiere mojar galletas en la leche pero no quiere mojarse las yemas de los dedos recurra a este instrumento. Es una mezcla de pinza de depilar con fresadora de dentista. Un consejo: cómprelo de veinte en veinte, que si se le pierde uno siempre tenga de más, que no falte en su casa nunca un remojador de galletas.

Bonus track. Removedor de hojas de fresa. No hay comentarios.

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