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El choco que jamás pisó Vietnam

Excesos, pedantería e impostura en las cartas de muchos bares y restaurantes veraniegos. En una encuesta de Open Table, el 79% de los comensales consideraba los menús muy confusos. Hay cartas en las que la clásica y sencilla Ropavieja se convierte en Deconstrucción de cocido sofrita con su carne desmechada

n artículo del escritor Felipe Benítez Reyes titulado El choco mutante, además de inteligente y divertido, actualiza el debate sobre los excesos de muchos establecimientos de hostelería y la denominación de sus platos. Y, lo que es más importante, en torno al contenido y procedencia de los mismos. El escritor y poeta roteño escribe -y bromea y critica- sobre el plato ofrecido por un restaurante playero: Choco vietnamita con mayonesa de yuzu, que terminó siendo su elección para la cena “tras descifrar la literatura conceptual de la carta”. La cosa es que, interpelado el camarero por la procedencia asiática del molusco cefalópodo ya que en la bahía gaditana no escasea lo que viene siendo un choco de toda la vida, este confesó al comensal que, en realidad, vietnamita-vietnamita de pura raza no era. Pero que el cocinero -aunque igual para darle más altura a la creación lo llamó chef- lo preparaba con un indiscutible estilo de influencia vietnamita.


Es habitual que se parodien los excesos de la alta cocina en lo que a la nomenclatura de sus platos se refiere. Excesos, haberlo haylos. Durante mucho tiempo las exiguas cantidades sobre el plato, tendencia importada de la nouvelle cuisine y su presentación esmerada a cambio de un “menos es más”, fue también objeto de cachondeo. Digamos que los restaurantes de la órbita Michelin llevan las de perder cuando al personal le da por ridiculizar, la mayor parte de las veces sin más criterio que la chanza fácil, a la alta cocina. Por lo general, las cartas más elaboradas, incluido el nombre de sus platos, tienen detrás un importante trabajo de conceptualización e investigación. La mayoría de las denominaciones suelen estar justificadas, se corresponden con un concepto integral del restaurante y con el producto que se presenta en el plato. Lo cual no obsta para que muchas veces se tenga la sensación de que se necesitan tres años en la École Hôtelière de Lausanne para entender qué te proponen por menú. Cuando un mal jefe de sala remata el cuadro dictándote una conferencia al presentarte de cada plato, todo empeora.

Pero si hay algo peor que esa petulancia, no tan frecuente, es cuando esa impostura se da en restaurantes de batalla, casas de comida, chiringuitos u otros locales de guardar con ínfulas. Eso es el acabose. Porque detrás de cada pamplina no suele haber nada. Un vacío pretencioso. Ni trabajo culinario serio ni innovación ni inspiración ni conocimiento. Ese afán de llegar a la gloria por la poesía barata solo oculta tres cosas: un afán de notoriedad absurdo, el intento de mejorar la oferta del local mediante la supuesta creatividad del nombre de sus platos y la certeza de que tanta imaginación amerita meterle unos euros de más a cada plato. De ahí tanto choco a la vietnamita como hay suelto por España. La alta cocina, el Bulli, la nueva cocina vasca y todos los prodigios de la cocina española de los últimos treinta años no han ocasionado ese daño ni tienen culpa alguna, como presuponen algunos. El daño lo infieren los atrevidos -la ignorancia lo es- que no han entendido nada.

En un restaurante puedes comer excelentemente, bien, mal o regular. Incluso en el mismo lugar algunos días bien, otros mal y otros regular. Como todo en la vida, hay días y días. Pero crear una barrera entre lo que se ofrece y el comensal es disuasorio. El sentido de la medida es fundamental cuando hablamos del relato del restaurante. Hay muchos locales de producto que no necesitan más que mencionar el género y tratarlo muy bien. Estos no necesitan relato alguno. Su storytelling es un producto de primera. Otros requieren más desarrollo para que se entienda la complejidad de la elaboración y el juego, muchas veces sutil, que se produce en una receta. La mayoría de los grandes restaurantes han optado por un camino original, un estilo y tienen un discurso coherente, lo que les permite ir más allá para explicar y nombrar sus platos.

Pero a ver quién explica por qué unas Hojitas de lechuga con helado de aderezo de anchoas, queso parmesano y polvo de recado negro sobre un caldo clarificado de clorofila es en realidad una Ensalada César. O por qué unos Rollitos de papel arroz tibio con juliana de verduras encurtidas y camarón de profundidad con salsas agridulces de cacahuete son unos simples rollitos imperiales. O a quién se le ocurrió llamar Deconstrucción de cocido sofrita con su carne desmechada a una simple, deliciosa y venerada Ropavieja. Si recuerdan, en Masterchef un concursante también se marcó un León come gamba glorioso: una versión cubista de algo parecido a una ensaladilla previamente deconstruida. En una web llamada stupid food, donde se dedican a ridiculizar inventos culinarios que realmente merecen ser ridiculizados, hay una foto terrible con un plato llamado Sopa de covid, en el que unas albóndigas flotan en un caldichi con zanahorias que bien podría emular un ramen: a las albóndigas, que no aparentan merecer tal nombre, se les ha clavado pacientemente unas minúsculas setas shitake consiguiendo el efecto de parecer la bola de pinchos que representa al virus.

Una encuesta de Open table, la empresa británica de reservas de mesas en restaurantes, ofreció hace unos años el resultado de una estudio según el cual el 79% de los clientes consideran que los menús son demasiados confusos. El 51% tuvo que pedir ayuda para que se los decodificaran. El 40% de los jóvenes de entre 18 y 24 años admitieron en la encuesta que estaban demasiado avergonzados de su ignorancia ante el menú como para pedir ayuda al camarero. Las mujeres preguntan más, así como los mayores de 55 años.

El periodista Pablo Cantó hizo un divertido ejercicio en El comidista: ¿Cómo se llamarían los platos de tu abuela si fueran alta cocina?  Ruleta rusa de pimiento spicy xplosion con speck de nuestra tierra (Pimientos de Padrón con jamón), Ramen castizo en tres actos (Cocido madrileño), Semicuajo de campero con secreto de cebolla y patata pochada (Tortilla de patatas) o Bombón de bechamel envuelto en tempura de pan hidrolizado (Croquetas). Y así hasta el infinito.

Felipe Benítez Reyes esperaba que su Choco vietnamita con mayonesa de yuzu llegara aderezado con brotes de bambú, ralladuras de lima, especias exóticas y salsa housin. Es lo menos. Auténtica elaboración vietnamita. Pero no: lo que había en el plato era una ración de chocos fritos y un vasito de mayonesa de bote. “Respiré aliviado y volví a mi ser: aunque me lo cobraron como si tanto el choco como yo fuésemos vietnamitas”, escribe el damnificado. A ver si cae ya el meteorito pero donde tiene que caer.

Instagram: @anthdezrodicio / Twitter: @AHRodicio

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  300. Pineal XT is a dietary supplement formulated to enhance sleep quality and support sleep patterns. Known for its natural ingredients, Pineal XT particularly focuses on boosting melatonin production, aiding individuals in managing sleep-related issues effectively. https://sites.google.com/spsw.edu.pl/pinealxt/

  301. Prodentim offers a range of innovative dental care products designed to promote optimal oral health. From toothpaste to oral rinses, Prodentim products are formulated with advanced ingredients to address various dental concerns and enhance overall oral hygiene. https://sites.google.com/spsw.edu.pl/prodentim/

  302. Puravive is a dietary supplement designed to support weight loss and overall metabolic health. By leveraging a blend of natural ingredients known for their fat-burning and metabolism-boosting properties, Puravive aims to help individuals achieve their weight management goals and enhance their overall well-being. https://sites.google.com/spsw.edu.pl/puravive-web/

  303. Puravive is a dietary supplement designed to support weight loss and overall metabolic health. By leveraging a blend of natural ingredients known for their fat-burning and metabolism-boosting properties, Puravive aims to help individuals achieve their weight management goals and enhance their overall well-being. https://sites.google.com/spsw.edu.pl/puravive-web/

  304. Cardio Defend is a dietary supplement designed to support cardiovascular health. Utilizing a blend of natural ingredients, Cardio Defend aims to improve heart function, promote healthy blood pressure, and enhance overall cardiovascular wellness. This article explores the composition, benefits, clinical evidence, and user experiences related to Cardio Defend. https://sites.google.com/spsw.edu.pl/cardiodefend/

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  306. Burn Boost is a dietary supplement designed to aid in weight management and fat loss. Combining a blend of natural ingredients, Burn Boost aims to increase metabolism, enhance energy levels, and support overall weight loss efforts. This article explores the composition, benefits, clinical evidence, and user experiences related to Burn Boost. https://sites.google.com/spsw.edu.pl/burnboost/

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  308. Alpha Tonic is a dietary supplement designed to support male vitality, energy, and overall performance. Combining a blend of natural ingredients known for their beneficial effects on male health, Alpha Tonic aims to provide a comprehensive solution for men looking to enhance their physical and mental well-being. This article explores the composition, benefits, clinical evidence, and user experiences related to Alpha Tonic. https://sites.google.com/spsw.edu.pl/alphatonic/

  309. Red Boost is a dietary supplement formulated to support male vitality, enhance physical performance, and improve overall well-being. With a blend of potent natural ingredients, Red Boost aims to address common issues related to male health, such as low energy, reduced libido, and decreased stamina. This article delves into the composition, benefits, clinical evidence, and user experiences of Red Boost. https://sites.google.com/spsw.edu.pl/redboost/

  310. PotentStream is a dietary supplement designed to enhance male vitality, energy levels, and overall performance. Combining a blend of potent natural ingredients, PotentStream aims to provide a comprehensive solution for men experiencing issues related to low energy, reduced libido, and decreased stamina. This article explores the composition, benefits, clinical evidence, and user experiences of PotentStream.

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